Blog: Rebecca Holman

Loving the Unlovable People Around You

I think we all have a story where, once upon a time, we had to deal with someone in our life who seemed unlovable.

Maybe that person is:

• a parent who failed you
• a spouse who promised to be there for you but wasn’t
• a child who says and acts like they hate you
• a church member who broke your trust
• or—brace yourself—maybe it’s the person you least expect: you
  
  

Love Everywhere… and Yet So Little of It

Today, as I scroll on my phone, watch television, and listen in on people’s conversations, one word comes up every time: love.

We see it everywhere in phrases like:

• “love yourself”
• “the world needs more love”
• “love wins”
• …and whatever version of love mainstream media is constantly presenting to us, on screens, in slogans, in sound bites, and in trending hashtags

And you may be thinking to yourself, “Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ll know there is anything but love in this world.”

For starters, I don’t disagree with you. This world has become a cesspool of hatred and bitterness, and it disheartens me because, as I continue to grow older, my mind can’t help but wonder, “Has the world always been this evil?”

Biblically, the answer is yes. The days have been evil long before us, and even long before the days of Jesus. People have always demanded their own way, stopping at nothing to get it. Today, we hear and see hatred, violence, murder, and malice on levels that don’t even seem real.

When Love Is Missing Close to Home

But let’s take it down a few notches and visit your neighborhood.

When people are not loving around you:

• What does it look like?
  
• What does it feel like?
  
• When people demand their own way…
  
• When people are unkind, jealous, envious, and impatient…
  
• When people are rude and resentful, yet still expect to get what they want from you…
  
• When people take the side of what is wrong instead of what is right…
  
  

Does any of this sound familiar? It might be a little too close to home, maybe even in your own living room, kitchen, or bedroom.

Everything I just described about what love is not actually comes from 1 Corinthians 13.

What Love Actually Is

Thankfully, Paul tells us what love actually is:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…
1 Corinthians 13:4–8 (ESV)

And the truth? Not one of us can live up to every single one of these things at once.

Humans cannot produce pure, perfect love. Only God is pure, perfect love.

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8 (ESV)

Love Comes From God

John goes on to say:

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us.
1 John 4:7–12 (ESV)

Jesus was God’s love incarnate. Jesus was love in the flesh.

He came and did something no one else in heaven or on earth could do: reconcile creation back to God the Father.

And through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of His cross.
Colossians 1:20 (ESV)

So What Does This Have to Do With Loving the Unlovable Person in My Life?

One cannot love their neighbor unless they first love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and then love their neighbor as themselves.

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
Matthew 22:37–40 (ESV)

How Do I Love God First?

Jesus is very clear:

“If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.”
John 14:15 (ESV)

But then comes the honest struggle:
I love God…but this person in my life is just not lovable. They won’t even receive my love if I offer it.

Obedience Is Our Responsibility, Results Are God’s

We are not responsible for how the other person responds. We are only responsible for obeying Jesus Christ at His word. The results are up to Him.

He is the changer of the heart and mind, not you and not me.

That person in your life may seem to have a heart of stone and a stubborn mind. But when has anything been impossible for God?

• He split the Red Sea. Exodus 14
• He brought down the walls of Jericho. Joshua 5
• He guided David’s stone to defeat Goliath. 1 Samuel 17
• He sent His Son to be conceived by the Spirit in a young virgin. Luke 1
• He rolled the stone away and raised Jesus from the grave for your salvation and mine. Luke 24
  
  

“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Matthew 19:26 (ESV)

The cold person you have known can be transformed by the love of Jesus and the power of His Holy Spirit. Do you believe this?

Practical Ways to Love the Unlovable

Pray for Them

Jesus commands us:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”
Matthew 5:43–48 (ESV)

Praying for your enemy (and in this case, the unlovable person in your life):

• keeps your heart soft and moldable
• prevents bitterness from taking root
• protects your own soul

Unforgiveness and bitterness are a cancer to the soul and prevent God’s forgiveness in our own lives. Matthew 6:15 (ESV)

At first, it may feel hard. If it were easy, Jesus wouldn’t have commanded it. But the more you pray, the more amazed you will be at how your heart begins to change.

Jesus promises that if we keep asking, seeking, and knocking, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7 (ESV) 

It might feel like all the doors are closed and no one is budging to open them. But God is waiting for you to ask and keep His word so He can open doors that no man can shut. Revelation 3:7-8 (ESV)

Be Kind to Them

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Proverbs 15:1 (ESV)

If arguments tend to arise:

• be gentle
• don’t be sharp or harsh
• you don’t have to have the last word
• remember the results are not up to you
  
  

Kindness and gentleness over time soften the heart. This is not a one-time effort; it’s an intentional posture we must take to make progress in our relationships.

Put Their Needs Above Your Own

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”
Philippians 2:3 (ESV)

Let’s get one thing straight: God’s Word is not meant for you to be treated like a doormat. When He tells us to consider others more significant than ourselves, it is to keep us from being selfish.

It’s easy to become resentful toward someone who has mistreated you, but the love of Christ is not selfish—it is selfless.

His death on the cross is the ultimate expression of that love. He laid His life down for people who would never accept Him or love Him in return.

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Isaiah 53:3 (ESV)

Ask yourself:

• Do they need care?
• Do they need someone to listen?
• Do they need a steady, loving place to return to?
  
  

What is their need? Can you meet their needs even when it’s inconvenient? Can you show them love even when you get nothing in return? That is the nature of true love.

What If the Unlovable Person Is You?

We are coming to the end of this article, and I would be doing a disservice if I didn’t take the time to encourage you. You, the person in your life who feels unlovable.

Friend, now is the time. In February—the month of love—or whenever you are reading this, there is no better time to show yourself the love you have been needing.

This isn’t a selfish kind of love, where you search in the wrong places to fill a void or satisfy the desires of the flesh. It’s not another spa day or self-care routine. It’s not another opportunity to spend money you don’t have on retail therapy or a trip or outing, because when you come back home and lay your head down at night, it’s still you, and the same struggles and challenges are still there.

This kind of love is fierce, and it doesn’t mask symptoms—it brings transformation.

Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the Lord.
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.
Song of Solomon 8:6–7 (ESV)

This love breaks chains.

• Forgive yourself
• Release the weight you were never meant to carry
• Cast it on Jesus, He is the lifter of your head. Psalm 3:3 (ESV)
• Sin and shame are not yours; Jesus bore them on the cross. 2 Corinthians 5:21 (ESV)
  
  

Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Beating yourself up changes nothing; it only bruises the soul. Jesus isn’t condemning you—it’s time to unclench your fists toward yourself.

A Love That Breaks Chains

And take it from someone still trying to live this out herself—it is not easy.

But when you step into the freedom Jesus died to give you, your perspective changes. You begin to see the unlovable people in your life as people in need of grace and mercy—just like you once were.

Jesus gave us the Holy Spirit so that we can love in a way that looks upside down to the world.

This love is not worldly.

It is supernatural.

And it breaks chains.